...doesn't get much better than this...

...me, gramma kim, and baby aubrey (couple days shy of 2mo)...

... <3 ...

He loves me...

...and I love him.

'Sticks and Stones'

Words have the capacity to both elevate and tear down--profoundly shaping or distorting one's sense of self, heart, soul, mind, etc.

Words are vehicles for emotional reactions.

Countless motivations drive our words from destination 'A' to 'B'; from conception to birth.

Personally, surrendering past 'heart hurts' is a daily battle and I rarely feel victorious.

Time continues to pass, lives continue to be lived, yet I remain captive to words...seems so silly.

Specific words...
Specific people...

I close my eyes and am immediately victim to my own memory.

Whoever said that time is the healer of all things is a moron. Time heals nothing--especially rejection and abandonment from someone you love...loved.

Thankfully, the Lord alleviates some of the hurt...takes the edge off and makes living with the knowledge that things will never be restored or 'whole' bareable.

But He won't 'delete the doing'...even with tearful prayers.

Words are even powerful to the extent that sometimes its not what is said that hurts the most, but rather what was left unsaid...

The lyrics below are striking and move me to no end...

'You would have kept those words on your tongue
If you had known the hurt they had done
While your fists stayed right
Right by your side
Your words, they bruise me deep inside

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

Sometimes your words are thick as lead
You swing them strong upside my head
What hasn't killed has made me strong
So I'll take my scars and move along

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

Goodbye is the best way that I know
To forgive and still be letting go

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me'

('Sticks and Stones' by artist Dave Barnes.)

Major Oops...

True character is revealed in circumstances where surveillance and scrutiny are perceived absent.

Does an 'audience' influence my decisions...dictate whether or not I choose Christ over my flesh??? In other words, who AM I when I think backs are turned? And as twisted as this sounds, who AM I even when it’s ‘safe’ to sin?

Unfortunately, I'M HUMAN. 'Screwing up' is an inherent strand woven in my spiritual DNA.

This morning can surely attest to that.

I’ve had moments today where I physically close my eyes and shake my head in disappointment. I’m sitting here at my desk restless…uncomfortable in my sinful skin...as if I were wearing an itchy sweater.

Without going into too much detail:

I REHEARSED a lie and carried it out.
I SWORE like a sailor.
The original ‘lil’ lie has since grown and I fear that I will have to MAINTAIN it…
Worst of all, I involved someone else in my sin!

I STRATEGICALLY CHOSE sin to save face.

For Pete’s sake…

I was put to the test and failed miserably!

The Purge...

I've been letting unhealth, lies, and negativity inhabit my heart and mind rent-free and frankly, I can't afford it!

Although a little unorthodox, I'm going to PURGE all the EVILS that have infested my thoughts...replaying over and over and over again.

THE BAD STUFF:

I am unloveable.

I am damaged goods.

I will never conquer my depression.

'Happiness' and/or 'joy' aren't in the cards for me.

I ruin all that I touch.

I constantly fall short.

I'll never amount to anything.

People wil eventually give up on me...decide I'm too much work.

I'm wasting precious time.

I'm TOO MUCH and NOT ENOUGH all at once!

I can't be fixed.

I'm just plain mean...

I'll NEVER be pretty enough. I just don't measure up...

I'm a lousy daughter, sister, friend, roommate, etc.

I'm selfish, spoiled, undeserving, and ungrateful.

I'm manipulative.

I should have gone to college.

I'm stuck...stagnant.

I'm lazy.

I'm not 'useable'...

I'm tolerated--not desired.

People will leave...relationships will end.

Somehow...I've contributed to my family's brokenness...will we ever be truly 'whole'?

Product of a broken family = future broken marriage. Terrified...

WOW...that felt good. I'm so glad I have JESUS!!! Otherwise, I couldn't survive!

Short-term 'Spiritual' Memory...

'Memory' is a tricky tricky notion...

Time after time, I get lost trying to conceptualize what I inherently know is WAY OVER MY HEAD. Inevitably, I arrive at the same sobering 'put-you-in-your-place' conclusion: memory is just ONE of the innumerable designs conjured by a mysterious and AWESOME Creator. It is uncomprehensible. Textbooks offer limited physical explanation (I'm not ignorant to man's anatomical discoveries); however, I'm personally drawn towards spiritual interpretation.

Serving as both a powerful aide and a debilitating hindrance, memory has the propensity to trigger a vast range of emotions and responses. My heart, mind, and soul bubbles over with memories of all 'shapes and sizes'...'colors and textures'...some more pleasant than others, but vividly preserved nonetheless. There are those I fear will slowly be lost and those I wish would hurry up and GET lost!

Were my memory on trial, I would defensively argue that it was solid and sound. I have a tendency to store useless information, seemingly unimportant events, names and faces of those I've briefly encountered, minute details of past PAST conversations, etc. HOWEVER, were my 'spiritual' memory audited, I would undoubtedly get sentenced to what I deserve...ultimate separation from GRACE and MERCY. Disappointments, miniscule or life-changing, goad my inherited sin-gene to scapegoat God...

It never ceases to amaze me how quick I am to forget God's goodness, yet how even quicker HE is to forgive.

It's EASY to hit smooth pitches out of the park...it's those darn curve balls that seem to keep striking me out. :/

God is so good...

I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.

Looking back on the last decade or so, my heart breaks for the heart-crippled creature I used to be. Introduced to the harsh realities of life and a fallen world, I was consumed with sorrow, embittered by perceived injustices, captive to my past, and ridden with insecurites and addiction.

Instead of climbing into my Father's lap and inviting his healing embrace, I cursed him. Everything that I had known about Him to be true was tainted when staring into the face of trial. An 'all-knowing' God meant that he KNEW what would happen to my family. An 'all-powerful and limitless' God meant that he COULD have manipulated traumatic events, yet chose not to. 'Ultimate healer' made me cringe. What had I done to deserve the extent of depression and hopelessness that had posioned the most inner depths of my being? 'Father'...once an endearing expression no longer denoted love, mercy, grace, and security, but grossly transformed into this visual of a tyrannical ruler exercising his preeminent authority by making his 'earthly puppets' feel as insignificant as humanly possible.

Needless to say, I had lost all perspective. Blinded by pain; I was both unwilling and unable to look outside my situation. Until recently, I was an aimless wanderer stagnant in my faith--physically aging, but emotionally stuck in childhood. Fearing yet another disappointment, I convinced myself that restortation was not worth the risk...I didn't want to be 'known.' Processing, pursuing health, moving forward--all were dependent on me arriving at an acceptance of the cards I had been dealt. 'Acceptance' terrified me. In my mind, acceptance led to forgivenss which ultimately would lead towards forgetting my past that had warped and re-shaped my sense of identity. However, as much as I tried to deny him 'heart-access' and withhold relationship, I could not escape his fingerprints on my life.

He has continually attempted to woo me back to Him and has pursued me in the midst of blatant disobedience and a deeply-rooted rebellion. I had believed that I was unloveable; both in Heaven and on earth...yet I know now that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in love. I am His...

I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.

These are the moments when I wonder how my faith could ever waver.
God is so good...

Losing momentum already...

Well, after 3 months of neglect, I don't know if this relationship is even salvageable.

Let me see...what are some highlights that have gone unblogged?

*I'm now one year closer to needing wrinkle cream, depends, and an assortment of various meds...thrilling. Celebrated '22' in style; chillaxed with the fam and later 'partaaaayed' with friends at mi casa. (I was in my pjs by midnight...animal, I know.)

*I'm officially on the July 2009 Mission Team for Mexico! This will be my FIRST mission trip...can't help but feel like this is a right of passage.

*My sister announced that she is prego!!! I'll meet my niece Aubrey Addison Browne in September. This new grandbaby sure takes the pressure off of me...I guestimate that I don't have to push out a baby for at LEAST 7 more years. Thanks for the extension sis!

*I drove my car into the garage. Not 'into' as in parked...'into' as in crrrrash. Not the greatest moment...and unfortunately it purdy much sums up my driving abilities. Poor Jane...she has gone through SO much over the last few years...survived a kidnapping, lost an ear, sustained minor 'aesthetic injuries', had recent organ failures, etc.

*I've hiked Mt. Peak nearly every day for a few weeks now. I'm trying to get in shape for a Mt. St. Helens hiking trip--tentatively scheduled for August. I'm a hiking fiend.

*I've rediscovered my LOVE for country music.

I'm sure that there are others...my life really isn't this uneventful...honest.

In over my head...

Well...I feel like I discover something new about myself everyday. Today's revelation? Drum roll please...dadadadadad...turns out I am completely computer illiterate. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, but arrived at the humbling conclusion that I am hands-down a failure to my 'technologically-savvy' generation.

Anywho, I decided to hop on the bloggin' band-wagon, because it appears to be quite fun and a fantastic outlet to unleash my craziness. However, for transparency's sake, I should caution y'all (I say 'y'all'...but the reality is I have zippo bloggin' buddies as of yet) that I lack the discipline to be a 'religious blogger.' Historically, I fold under the pressures of commitment...if this virtual-relationship becomes too demanding...it'll most likely get the ax. Needless to say this should be an interesting journey!