'Memory' is a tricky tricky notion...
Time after time, I get lost trying to conceptualize what I inherently know is WAY OVER MY HEAD. Inevitably, I arrive at the same sobering 'put-you-in-your-place' conclusion: memory is just ONE of the innumerable designs conjured by a mysterious and AWESOME Creator. It is uncomprehensible. Textbooks offer limited physical explanation (I'm not ignorant to man's anatomical discoveries); however, I'm personally drawn towards spiritual interpretation.
Serving as both a powerful aide and a debilitating hindrance, memory has the propensity to trigger a vast range of emotions and responses. My heart, mind, and soul bubbles over with memories of all 'shapes and sizes'...'colors and textures'...some more pleasant than others, but vividly preserved nonetheless. There are those I fear will slowly be lost and those I wish would hurry up and GET lost!
Were my memory on trial, I would defensively argue that it was solid and sound. I have a tendency to store useless information, seemingly unimportant events, names and faces of those I've briefly encountered, minute details of past PAST conversations, etc. HOWEVER, were my 'spiritual' memory audited, I would undoubtedly get sentenced to what I deserve...ultimate separation from GRACE and MERCY. Disappointments, miniscule or life-changing, goad my inherited sin-gene to scapegoat God...
It never ceases to amaze me how quick I am to forget God's goodness, yet how even quicker HE is to forgive.
It's EASY to hit smooth pitches out of the park...it's those darn curve balls that seem to keep striking me out. :/
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
God is so good...
I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.
Looking back on the last decade or so, my heart breaks for the heart-crippled creature I used to be. Introduced to the harsh realities of life and a fallen world, I was consumed with sorrow, embittered by perceived injustices, captive to my past, and ridden with insecurites and addiction.
Instead of climbing into my Father's lap and inviting his healing embrace, I cursed him. Everything that I had known about Him to be true was tainted when staring into the face of trial. An 'all-knowing' God meant that he KNEW what would happen to my family. An 'all-powerful and limitless' God meant that he COULD have manipulated traumatic events, yet chose not to. 'Ultimate healer' made me cringe. What had I done to deserve the extent of depression and hopelessness that had posioned the most inner depths of my being? 'Father'...once an endearing expression no longer denoted love, mercy, grace, and security, but grossly transformed into this visual of a tyrannical ruler exercising his preeminent authority by making his 'earthly puppets' feel as insignificant as humanly possible.
Needless to say, I had lost all perspective. Blinded by pain; I was both unwilling and unable to look outside my situation. Until recently, I was an aimless wanderer stagnant in my faith--physically aging, but emotionally stuck in childhood. Fearing yet another disappointment, I convinced myself that restortation was not worth the risk...I didn't want to be 'known.' Processing, pursuing health, moving forward--all were dependent on me arriving at an acceptance of the cards I had been dealt. 'Acceptance' terrified me. In my mind, acceptance led to forgivenss which ultimately would lead towards forgetting my past that had warped and re-shaped my sense of identity. However, as much as I tried to deny him 'heart-access' and withhold relationship, I could not escape his fingerprints on my life.
He has continually attempted to woo me back to Him and has pursued me in the midst of blatant disobedience and a deeply-rooted rebellion. I had believed that I was unloveable; both in Heaven and on earth...yet I know now that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in love. I am His...
I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.
These are the moments when I wonder how my faith could ever waver.
God is so good...
Looking back on the last decade or so, my heart breaks for the heart-crippled creature I used to be. Introduced to the harsh realities of life and a fallen world, I was consumed with sorrow, embittered by perceived injustices, captive to my past, and ridden with insecurites and addiction.
Instead of climbing into my Father's lap and inviting his healing embrace, I cursed him. Everything that I had known about Him to be true was tainted when staring into the face of trial. An 'all-knowing' God meant that he KNEW what would happen to my family. An 'all-powerful and limitless' God meant that he COULD have manipulated traumatic events, yet chose not to. 'Ultimate healer' made me cringe. What had I done to deserve the extent of depression and hopelessness that had posioned the most inner depths of my being? 'Father'...once an endearing expression no longer denoted love, mercy, grace, and security, but grossly transformed into this visual of a tyrannical ruler exercising his preeminent authority by making his 'earthly puppets' feel as insignificant as humanly possible.
Needless to say, I had lost all perspective. Blinded by pain; I was both unwilling and unable to look outside my situation. Until recently, I was an aimless wanderer stagnant in my faith--physically aging, but emotionally stuck in childhood. Fearing yet another disappointment, I convinced myself that restortation was not worth the risk...I didn't want to be 'known.' Processing, pursuing health, moving forward--all were dependent on me arriving at an acceptance of the cards I had been dealt. 'Acceptance' terrified me. In my mind, acceptance led to forgivenss which ultimately would lead towards forgetting my past that had warped and re-shaped my sense of identity. However, as much as I tried to deny him 'heart-access' and withhold relationship, I could not escape his fingerprints on my life.
He has continually attempted to woo me back to Him and has pursued me in the midst of blatant disobedience and a deeply-rooted rebellion. I had believed that I was unloveable; both in Heaven and on earth...yet I know now that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in love. I am His...
I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.
These are the moments when I wonder how my faith could ever waver.
God is so good...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Losing momentum already...
Well, after 3 months of neglect, I don't know if this relationship is even salvageable.
Let me see...what are some highlights that have gone unblogged?
*I'm now one year closer to needing wrinkle cream, depends, and an assortment of various meds...thrilling. Celebrated '22' in style; chillaxed with the fam and later 'partaaaayed' with friends at mi casa. (I was in my pjs by midnight...animal, I know.)
*I'm officially on the July 2009 Mission Team for Mexico! This will be my FIRST mission trip...can't help but feel like this is a right of passage.
*My sister announced that she is prego!!! I'll meet my niece Aubrey Addison Browne in September. This new grandbaby sure takes the pressure off of me...I guestimate that I don't have to push out a baby for at LEAST 7 more years. Thanks for the extension sis!
*I drove my car into the garage. Not 'into' as in parked...'into' as in crrrrash. Not the greatest moment...and unfortunately it purdy much sums up my driving abilities. Poor Jane...she has gone through SO much over the last few years...survived a kidnapping, lost an ear, sustained minor 'aesthetic injuries', had recent organ failures, etc.
*I've hiked Mt. Peak nearly every day for a few weeks now. I'm trying to get in shape for a Mt. St. Helens hiking trip--tentatively scheduled for August. I'm a hiking fiend.
*I've rediscovered my LOVE for country music.
I'm sure that there are others...my life really isn't this uneventful...honest.
Let me see...what are some highlights that have gone unblogged?
*I'm now one year closer to needing wrinkle cream, depends, and an assortment of various meds...thrilling. Celebrated '22' in style; chillaxed with the fam and later 'partaaaayed' with friends at mi casa. (I was in my pjs by midnight...animal, I know.)
*I'm officially on the July 2009 Mission Team for Mexico! This will be my FIRST mission trip...can't help but feel like this is a right of passage.
*My sister announced that she is prego!!! I'll meet my niece Aubrey Addison Browne in September. This new grandbaby sure takes the pressure off of me...I guestimate that I don't have to push out a baby for at LEAST 7 more years. Thanks for the extension sis!
*I drove my car into the garage. Not 'into' as in parked...'into' as in crrrrash. Not the greatest moment...and unfortunately it purdy much sums up my driving abilities. Poor Jane...she has gone through SO much over the last few years...survived a kidnapping, lost an ear, sustained minor 'aesthetic injuries', had recent organ failures, etc.
*I've hiked Mt. Peak nearly every day for a few weeks now. I'm trying to get in shape for a Mt. St. Helens hiking trip--tentatively scheduled for August. I'm a hiking fiend.
*I've rediscovered my LOVE for country music.
I'm sure that there are others...my life really isn't this uneventful...honest.
Friday, March 6, 2009
In over my head...
Well...I feel like I discover something new about myself everyday. Today's revelation? Drum roll please...dadadadadad...turns out I am completely computer illiterate. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, but arrived at the humbling conclusion that I am hands-down a failure to my 'technologically-savvy' generation.
Anywho, I decided to hop on the bloggin' band-wagon, because it appears to be quite fun and a fantastic outlet to unleash my craziness. However, for transparency's sake, I should caution y'all (I say 'y'all'...but the reality is I have zippo bloggin' buddies as of yet) that I lack the discipline to be a 'religious blogger.' Historically, I fold under the pressures of commitment...if this virtual-relationship becomes too demanding...it'll most likely get the ax. Needless to say this should be an interesting journey!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)