God is so good...

I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.

Looking back on the last decade or so, my heart breaks for the heart-crippled creature I used to be. Introduced to the harsh realities of life and a fallen world, I was consumed with sorrow, embittered by perceived injustices, captive to my past, and ridden with insecurites and addiction.

Instead of climbing into my Father's lap and inviting his healing embrace, I cursed him. Everything that I had known about Him to be true was tainted when staring into the face of trial. An 'all-knowing' God meant that he KNEW what would happen to my family. An 'all-powerful and limitless' God meant that he COULD have manipulated traumatic events, yet chose not to. 'Ultimate healer' made me cringe. What had I done to deserve the extent of depression and hopelessness that had posioned the most inner depths of my being? 'Father'...once an endearing expression no longer denoted love, mercy, grace, and security, but grossly transformed into this visual of a tyrannical ruler exercising his preeminent authority by making his 'earthly puppets' feel as insignificant as humanly possible.

Needless to say, I had lost all perspective. Blinded by pain; I was both unwilling and unable to look outside my situation. Until recently, I was an aimless wanderer stagnant in my faith--physically aging, but emotionally stuck in childhood. Fearing yet another disappointment, I convinced myself that restortation was not worth the risk...I didn't want to be 'known.' Processing, pursuing health, moving forward--all were dependent on me arriving at an acceptance of the cards I had been dealt. 'Acceptance' terrified me. In my mind, acceptance led to forgivenss which ultimately would lead towards forgetting my past that had warped and re-shaped my sense of identity. However, as much as I tried to deny him 'heart-access' and withhold relationship, I could not escape his fingerprints on my life.

He has continually attempted to woo me back to Him and has pursued me in the midst of blatant disobedience and a deeply-rooted rebellion. I had believed that I was unloveable; both in Heaven and on earth...yet I know now that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in love. I am His...

I awoke this morning saturated with an overwhelming, tangible, head-to-toe, soul-penetrating sense of joy. A phenomenon not founded on neither circumstance nor 'feeling,' but rather a glimpse into the depths of a Father's perfect love.

These are the moments when I wonder how my faith could ever waver.
God is so good...